Love

A few years ago my family gave me a necklace with the word, "Love" on it.  I, well,  I love it.  :)  It is simple and it is what I want to do daily.  Not just to my family but others around me.  But you know what?   It is hard sometimes. Some days I just don't want to love the person at the grocery store who just cut me off in line or love the person at the eye doctors office who is being rude to me.  Yes those things have happened to me recently and I grasped my necklace and asked God to help me love them!!
Honestly, did not do to well at the eye dr office!  

When we got home after our first visit with the boys my mom called and asked a very real question.  Stephanie, do you love them?  Do you love Dawit and Israel?  Such a great question and such a real answer came out of my mouth.  I would love to say that the moment  I held them I was absolutely in love with them.  My love was as best as I can describe a mercy type of love.  I would do whatever I could to meet their needs, get them home, give them a forever family, and give them all the snuggles and attention that they would let me give.  But love like with my first four, no.  Hard to type those words but it is true. 

We were strangers.  We had never met and all of sudden they were my children and I was their Mommy.  It took time to get to know eachother(and we still are).  It took time for them to trust us and let us help them.  We had to earn their trust.  Can you imagine leaving everything you know, the food, the smells,  the people, and the most challenging the language and being dropped into a new enviroment?  So mercy seeped from us as we learned together.  Then one day after choosing each day to love, work hard, love some more, cry, and love again it occurred to me through many tears how much I loved these 2 little boys.  We were walking in the snow as we did everyday during the winter months and as  I  looked ahead at 2 very active 3 year olds I cried tears of realization.  I loved them soooo much.  They were my boys just like my first four were my children given so graciously to me by my loving God.

It was not magic.  It was not some amazing miracle.  It was love.  It was a decision we had to make each day.  Some days were harder than others, but God gave them to me and He  loves me without abandon so the choice was mine.  I am glad I chose love because today as I dropped the boys off at preschool  Israel ran to me before  I left and gave me a big hug and kiss and said , Bye Mommy!!  Maybe not a big deal to you but for Israel it was.  He has taken longer to bond and attach to us and it brought me to tears.  I am his Mommy and he loves me and I love him. 

If you have ever thought about adoption and are wondering, doubting, questioning, or feeling scared.  That is ok.  I did.  I had doubts and had moments of fear.  It's normal and expected.  Sometimes reading others experiences can lead us to think that it was perfect and beautiful and that the child instantly loved and listened to you.  Nope!  It can get messy sometimes but it has been all worth it.  2 very loud, funny, precious, and fiercely independent boys have given us more than we could ever imagine.  Love!!!